There are nights that I toss and turn all night with words I want to write going through my head. Last night was one of those nights, and for reasons that are beyond me, I just feel compelled to write them today. I don't know if anything I say, or will ever say, has even an ounce of impact to anyone, but I just want you to know..
I am forgiven. A million times over. Day after day. I struggle with sin, and thankfully, I have been blessed with a relationship that outweighs all my wrongdoings. A relationship with God. There was a time that all I cared about was myself, and what I would benefit out of giving in situations. I caused hurt in the lives of others. I have gossiped, told lies, and manipulated people and situations to get an outcome that I wanted. I have passed judgement on others to make myself feel better.
That stings just typing those words, but it's true.
THANKFULLY, I have changed tremendously over the last few years. I am working on myself every single day to be better, and by doing so, I have to rely on the Lord and let Him work through me. I am not perfect, and anyone who loves me can tell you that. I fall short every day. The difference between who I was and who I am, is now I feel conviction when I sin. I know it's wrong and I am truly sorry. I have a loving Father who forgives me and covers me in His grace. I have also learned what it means to truly forgive someone, and that (I believe) can only happen if you have Christ in your heart.
Travis and I have overcome so much in our short time of being married, and if anyone knows the impact forgiveness can have on your heart, it's us. We're grateful. We have an incredible marriage, because we decided to stick it out through some very difficult times. We love each other so much, and we have built (or, rebuilt.. i guess) our life on the foundation of loving the Lord.
We started trying to have a baby as soon as we got married in May 2012. After some heartbreak and loss, we just couldn't do it. Now, looking back, I know why. Because we weren't ready, we just didn't know it. A baby wasn't going to fix our problems, stop the drinking, allow us to trust. Nope, we needed a divine intervention before the Lord was willing to place a baby in our care. Thank you, Jesus. We both had some growing up to do, in our own ways.
Then, God started to work in our lives and we became pregnant with Maclin Jane, and she was born on January 29th, 2015. Our world was rocked, in the absolute best way possible. She is our biggest blessing and I love watching Travis be a daddy to her. She has the biggest heart and the sassiest demeanor.. truly. Flat out sassy. I think it's the McClure in her, hehe. But seriously, we couldn't have been the parents we are now, if we had brought her into our life when we first wanted to. We had to have some trials and expand our hearts to loving someone else more than ourselves.
We still have bad days, we all do. There are days I wonder why on earth He trusted me with this child because I feel like I have no idea what I am doing. But, I do. He does. He knows how to pull us close and keep us relying on Him. I need Jesus every second of every day. That's what I wanted to share with you. That no matter what season of your life you're in right now, it's for a reason. He will pull you through, if you let Him.
I had to quit being stubborn and realize I can't do this on my own. I need Him.
Photos by Monica Burgess Photography