Over the weekend we celebrated my Papa turning 80 years old. It was a wonderful day and my parents home was full of people I love and adore. I walked in to a house full of people who genuinely care about me, and that I know are rooting for me; and I immediately felt insecure, anxious, and unloved. Why? Why in the world do I do this to myself; when I know it's not others, it's my insecurities that is making me feel this way. I spent the evening with some of my best friends, my cousins, that have been through everything with me from the beginning of my life; talking, watching the kids play in the sprinkler, and showing them our house for the very first time. I couldn't shake my feelings, and I always do this in crowds, it never fails.
I didn't sleep that night. I was anxious and I couldn't control my emotions or what was going on in my head. My to-do list, everything that I need to get done for my clients, the feeling of falling short and not meeting the standards of others. I ended up worrying and working myself up so badly that I spent the night throwing up in the bathroom, and when Travis woke up, he immediately knew what was going on. I just want to say God bless the man that I am married to; 3am crazy wife moment, and he just loved on me, told me to breathe, and held me until I fell back asleep. I know all of this sounds silly if this has never happened to you, but if it has, you're not alone.
The thing is, there wasn't a single thing that triggered this, except for what I was telling myself; and that is not what God intended for me in this life. He didn't want that attack to happen, but He held me through it, along with my husband who was praying over me. He created me for so much more than that, and even if that was to pull me through what was happening, and not make it immediately go away, I see it as His way. How can I bring God glory through something like this? I can share with others, my stories, my experiences with anxiety and feeling unloved. It happens more than I would like to admit, but He always gets me through to the other side, and for that I am so thankful. I don't talk about this often, and sharing all of this is pretty revealing into what like is life, at times, for us. But, if I can tell you anything, remember that you have a Father that loves you, and cares for you, and His promises are so, so good.
I woke up the next morning and texted two of my very best friends, in a group text, and asked them to cover me in some prayer that morning. They did, and they lightened my heart by their uplifting words. You have an impact on someones life, remember that. If I can share anything about what I have learned lately, it's to love others. Love them well. Be understanding and compassionate, because you have absolutely no idea what is going on in their lives. You don't know if they had a panic attack in the middle of the night, and feeling like the had a mental breakdown, because they have a smile on their face and all the photos they post are perfect. It's not true, everyone has struggles. Take the time to tell someone you love them today, and show it.
I am just really grateful that God finally revealed to me, over the last few months, that I can share my experiences with others and hopefully make someone feel better, and not ashamed about how their feeling. I have had people reach out to me and ask for prayer after reading something i've posted online. I will promise you, I am not the type of person to say I will pray for you and not follow through. So, if you're in need; let me lift you up.
I am thankful for the messes I have to go through because it enables me to be more loving towards others; to my husband, to my sweet little daughter. I am learning how to respond in certain situations, because I know how responses from others have crushed my soul at times. I've said over and over, God is doing work in my life; and I'm a work in progress. I want to there for others, because I know what it's like to feel alone (even when i'm 100% loved and there is no reason to feel alone). You're not alone.
I will be checking some things off of my to-do list today, but the most important thing I can do is teach this little girl what it means to be kind and love others well.
Wish me luck!
photos by Betsy Dutcher - one of those friends I was telling you about